on the count of three, everyone get off of Pharrell's dick. Alright, here we go... 1... 2... 3... now jump. OK thanks.
Contrary to poopular opinion, "Skateboard P" (Jesus, his balls are huge, aren't they?) has nothing to do with everything he reps extracurricularly. From a purely mathematical angel, there is a 0% chance that someone getting as much money as Pharrell could NOT be wearing Bape, so let's not give him too much credit for sartorially stating the obvious. Dude claims he "introduced Bape to the world." Are you serious? Even suggesting this only serves to illustrate the point- if dude were truly 'bout it when it comes to skateboarding/streetwear/etc he would have known, at a bare minimum, that NYC motherfuckers have been bringing Ape around for years. Dude doesn't smoke trees, so it's not like he forgot that, say for example, Mike D existed- he's just ignorant to the facts, and judging by the marketing behind his BBC line he's only interested in taking money from 13 year olds anyway, so why even pay attention? And how hard was it for him to discover Ape anyway? All you have to do is go to Japan.I'm not even going to get in-depth about the utter inconsequentiality of BBC, his blatant strategic alliance with Nigo (coincidental how their friendship is also a marketers wet dream, isn't it?), and how much his single with Gwen Steffani blows. So next time "Skateboard" throws a party that you're not even invited to, remember how you liberated yourself from his penis at the top of this column.
That Real Jerk Off Music
People sleep on aural pornography. Word, movies are straight, and mags definitely get the job done... but what if you're driving around and want to get a hard on? See, not always so easy. Or of course, what about on the subway? Any self respecting pervert knows you have to travel to Tokyo to whip out (ahem) a porno mag on the train. Do I even need to mention strip clubs? Let's celebrate 2 decades of drum machine butt fuck beats, and if you're lucky I'll tell you where to go to see a stripper stick a tootsie roll pop in her cooter.
Egyptian Lover "DSLs"
Boys From The Bottom "Grab Them Legs"
Three Six Mafia "Slob On My Knob"
Platinum Pete "Cum On Your Kimono"
The Process of Weeding Out
Yo. I would have been down to hit you with at least one more diatribe this week or at least some links... something... but, if I haven't mentioned it before- independent, or "hack" (in the most Baltimore sense of the word) blogging does not pay. What does pay, however, are freelance writing assignments, of which I have many to file or pitch. So, like many bloggers before me, this is the direction things are headed. If you're a regular ASF reader, you'll recognize that this was kind of the point all along; to run things in as much of a "column" or editorial manner as possible, without fronting and saying it's an online magazine- usually a bit of a misnomer.
I'll be back next week, and while I'll naturally continue to be critical of what's going on currently in streetwear, at the same time there are still brands, designers, artists ,musicians and yes, even products that I feel deserve to be recognized in the context of "real shit," and not posted in a stream of bullshit that's quickly forgotten and utterly useless. I'm aware of how thin the line between "hitting the nail on the head" and "sounding like a preachy dick head" is, so no need for emails...
- Get some Doggy Downers this weekend, trust me.
- Mike's on 60 Minutes this Sunday... you think BJ Armstrong will drop by? Speaking of BJ, what the fuck is up with my AFIIIs, son.
- Which eastern Canadian sneaker boutique has set up numerous dummy accounts on a certain notoriously superlame message board, all in an effort to trash the local competition and pump up their own name?
- Cartel Goods is live.
Fucking Shit Up
As streetwear almost becomes "netwear" in this post-Niketalk world, and with style atrocities like Superfuture's "what are you wearing today" thread and gag-worthy Myspace glamour shots on the rise (seriously, stop rocking eurotrash Italian bellbottoms with dunks), one could make the case that shit is becoming seriously watered down.
Or is it? With hordes of global bridge and tunnel sycophants running rampant on message boards and discretionless dime a dozen blogs full of typos and really fucking whack shit, on the surace it looks like everyone's jumping on the bandwagon, right? Honestly, probably not. While it appears that everyone may be consuming these products, that's most likely not the case; what's really being consumed is the information. People want to feel like they're down, and with the internet it's easy to read and spout without having to walk the walk; posing. And while people talk about high end streetwear brands like Neighborhood and Ape all day, when they go to actually spend their money Ape is for the most part not what they're buying- they're buying Nikes because they're actually pretty affordable, they're buying Johnny Cupcake because they don't know any better, and they're avoiding vintage like the plague, because let's face; up until this point they've been shopping at the Paramus mall.
If this new breed of streetwear fans were actually interested in the essence of the scene, they'd spend less time safely jerking off online as they shed tears over their poor customer service experiences, and more time doing the things that actually make streetwear streetwear; smoking blunts, skating, playing in a band, designing their own shit ( but just for their friends, not the market at large), writing graf, partying, riding bikes, shooting photos, writing for magazines, getting in fist fights, chatting up girls, Djing, fucking shit up and making fun of poseurs.
Who Can You Turn To Now
Rub One Out
First of all, the paper It's The Motherfucking Remix is printed on smells exactly like a pack of Upper Deck basketball cards- so when you get yours in the mail, make sure you take A Motherfucking Wiff. It only takes eleven tracks till Cosmo and Ayers are playing "Feelin' On Your Booty" vs "Baby Got Back", and while thematically that works mega-magically, it goes beyond clever rear-references, quickly moving into the "WTF PASS THE BLUNT, SON" school of rock, or rap, or well, rap vs rock but rap vs rap radical. Cosmo and Ayers are trill enough to thow ( that was on purpose, herb) x amount of MP3 samples on their internet (yes, you're still a herb), including said "Booty V Back" track. Five Flutes. See you in Philly?
Nostalgia Rules Everything Around Me
Euro Beat 80
Without a doubt Geocities houses some of the finest in dilapidated web content, namely Euro Beat 80. While 80s nostalgia at large is completely played out, there are still hundreds of 80s bands that didn't get swept up in the glossed over turn of the century revival. Euro Beat big-ups a few 80s bands you may be sleeping on, namely Atari babies Sigue Sigue Sputnik, the "no-way!" album covers of Digital Emotion, and Boy London, a brand you'll most likely hear more about on these pages, since I'm a sucker for nostalgia lately.
- Of all the meat world shops that have an online presence with regular stock updates, Proper is the easiest on the eyes, plus they got the ill Chris Farley Beverly Hills Ninja shirt, and as much as direct Nike references on t shirts are both played out and hugely popular- it's hard to front on a Farley reference.
- Scope Galactic Fractures for a sick-sick-sick reggae mix and a couple solid links to the history of Jamaican dub. Summer's over but there's still a couple weeks before it's so cold out reggae makes no sense whatsoever and you have to switch over to cold world NYC hip-hop. (via Catch Doobiest)
- Inquiring Mind politicked with alt-Bmore-club artist and general pussy getter Spankrock. Bmore, what.
Jesus shit, I just ate god-damn McDonald's... at least the company was good.
- Nike ID is becoming a better and better look every day. While "Sport Culture" is a bit of a corny way to say "The Real Shit," and the color options could always be stepped up just a notch, the addition of the Vengeance and Baltoro is the best look yet. Still, the question remains; 'sup wit' da Air Force IIIs, son! ID or otherwise, I'm sweating the shit out of this retro. Check out the colorway options on the Vengeance though- can anybody say Old School Columbia/LL Bean jump off? Not sure if that's a good look or not... (heads up from Slam and Family Stoned)
- Flying Coffin aren't gaylords. That means the shit's on point, but more importantly they're not herbs.
- Anybody going to the Mono show in town tonight? Hope it's not too moody- I'm trying to get drunk, son.
Danceteria was pretty much THE jump off in downtown
- Check Bounty Hunter out for a couple new logo flips, including Licencsed to Ill era Beastie Boys and actually-not-Quaker Quaker Oats. I didn't know Quaker had such cultural cache. As an interesting side note- Quaker totally fed radioactive food to retarded kids in 50s.
- Southernballaz.com. Geocities JP strikes again.
Drooghi is now stocking extra large in Japan/extra slept on in the states denim brand Edwin. Ubiquitous in the land of the rising sun, Edwin's been a bit of a sleeper hit most elsewhere.
- War Making opens on Thursday, October 20th @ The Riviera Gallery on Metropolitan in Brooklyn. Artists include ASF homie JK5 (here's the interview), Kevin Devine, Dan Funderburgh, Patrick Rocha, and Aaron Storck.
Scope out The Glade for their always picky visionary take on street gear, this time around with shirts from UK brand Gasius. With a distinctly UK take on streetwear graphics, a cheeky blend of Friz Freleng-ish cartoonishness mixed with an informed historical perspective, Gasius has all the elements of a top notch design brand; exclusivity, heritage, and bong hits.
Didn't I (Roll My Pant Legs Up in '90)
Yo- is it just me, or has the early 90s style seen on the New Kids aged suprisingly well? Maybe I'm just prematurely nostalgic, and mostly I'm talking about Donny since he was "the thugged one," but if you take a look back, you'll see a lot of hallmark '90s casual and and streetwear stuff; porkpies, fedoras, all the excessive Nikes and Adidas that are back on the scene, Jordans, vests, and even leather medallions. In addition to these mostly good looks, you're likely to find some riotously dated and never to return gear though- shit like extra tall floppy hats, round glasses, and overalls with no shirt underneath. Don't get it twisted though, I'm not saying NKOTB were style visionaries or that they had much to do with anything other than pop music; only that their stylists did do a respectable job of keeping them up to date in a very slave to fashion way, making for a nice snapshot of the era.
And while "Please Don't Go Girl" is pretty fucking rad, here's some real(er) shit...
UMC's "Blue Cheese"
Nice and Smooth "Sometimes I Rhyme Slow"
Neneh Cherry "Buffalo Stance"
The Main Source
As shop doors open across the country, you gotta admit- there's alot of the same song and dance going on. Obviously there's this huge market for sneakers right now to explain it, but what about those among us who are a little bit more "over it" than the Nike Talk spawned third wave sneaker economists out there? Still sneaker knowledgists at heart, and defintely not above moving a pair of Ones, Baltimore's Shop Gentei opened this week, focusing on exposing dope brands of a more esoteric nature to customers from Bmore and beyond, along with that upper echelon of limited edition footwear that has people ringing the shop non-stop already.
Carrying brands including the perpetually slept-on Mackdaddy, hard to pin down AG, the activistic leaning Covert Org, and the shops own slyandrobby, Gentei is looking to push things forward with their expanding avante-garde-as-far-as-the-states-are-concerned brand lineup. A mega-movement as far as Baltimore is concerned, not to mention a good look nationwide, Gentei manages to effectively fuck with the sateside streetwear shop status quo by presenting brands that even you might have a tough time tracking down ( I'm assuming you're pretty on the ball, so bask in it). Visit their site to get you're insight on.
All photos & flier by Gentei
Come Out And Play
Vintage gear is a tough angle to push; as enthusiastic as I am about vintage, it can be tough to write about; it's most viable outlet is crummy thrift stores in the middle of nowhere and the fact that, in 2005, there's really only about two of every item you find doesn't make for much to act upon. I mean how many people do you know who have Maui Wowee t shirts from the 80s? Not many, I can assume. And that's just the cheap stuff, don't even get me, or Denim Junkies, started on the real stuff, like 50s and 60s jean jackets, post WWII bombers and mid-century 501s. Do you really think anyone will be sweating Bape hoodies in 2050?
- Find out what your zodiac sign translates into in the buff yet refined homoerotic world of fantasy illustration.
The Warriors is back on everyone's radar after chilling in the cult status realms of t shirt inspiration, drum n bass sample and hip-hop interpolation, among others. If you haven't copped the string of Warriors inspired designs by many a crew, now's your chance to get a small slice of the turf. While these Adidas items don't fully evoke the aesthetic of the film, stay on the look out for more loyal interpretations in the future... Also look to The Fader as they lay it out for your inner bopper.
- Lemon Red comes with it yet again, orchestrating the October Mix Series release by the respectively baby faced and mustachioed Certified Bananas. With a penchant for songs that people actually like and pop-hallucination album covers, CBs will have you straight slippin'. Holy shit, that was the stupidest thing I've ever written... what is this Us Weekly? Download it, youngblood.
- Flatbush's explosively grody Soner On steps into the digital realm at Flat Bush Brown, where he takes you on a weeded garbage pail journey in the Brooklyn borough. (Via Mishka)
Believe it or not, but I wasn't always as rad as I am now (just kidding- who am I Pharrell? Get off your own dick, son). Back in fourth grade I was definitely rocking Loony Toons. In sixth grade I made my own Aerosmith and Rush sweatshirts, never sure if I was joking or not. In ninth grade, like most kids, I got heavy into band t shirts; as cool as Misfits graphics are, that was some real tweaker acid-fuck territory back in the day, and as much as I was into throwing food at lunch, I wasn't so much into the JNCO/getting arrested scene... Thank Vishnu for Sonic Youth and Hysteric Glamour. Without them putting their heads together, I'd probably be sweating Death Cab and Basquiat t shirts, or even worse- a bartender. Is this the t shirt that changed my life?
- Take a closer look at Mighty Healthy's Fall line, straight from the mind of the perverted monks themselves. Yo, whoever wrote the copy for those shirts must be a genius.
- Only for the epic-of-heart, are any Philly jawns interested in taking me out for "Bodyworlds and a movie" for my birthday? I've heard of "Bodymore" but this is ridiculous...
- As much as I'd like to tell you who to vote for and why, that's not really my place... still, check out Vapors Magazine's 2005 readers poll and don't vote for Bape just because their new website is, unlike their gear, quality.
- Personally, I don't think getting fired up should get you fired. It's like Girls Gone Wild for your nose- all fun and games till someone sees you on TV.
- Putting stuff up your nose is of course rad, but putting stuff in your butt, or at least alluding to it, is another hobby worth picking up (Via the pud touchers at Fleshbot).
Return of the Yo
I've continued to dig up MP3s of the records I so eloquently reviewed for Inquiring Mind, having a little luck with a few gems...
Eberhard Schoener "Flashback"
This is what Codeine really sounds like. I'd much rather trip out with Sting, plus no gun talk makes for a much less edgy experience.
Jimmie Spheris "Seeds of Spring"
With the resurgence of the acoustic-space-case-with-beard genre in the past year, I suppose this song is more en vogue than I intended it to be. If you look around on Google Image search you can find a cool picture of Jimmie dressed like Mercury.
Tony Williams Lifetime "Wildlife"
Tony played drums, and it's his band, but listen for Allan Holdsworth's next level guitar. Makes one realize the futility of rap music.